Gonna sleep this depression away

It’s kind of what I’m doing right about now. It’s like because I’m not in the hospital anymore you aren’t trying. And i understand you cant talk to me, its just you tried so hard while i was admitted and now that I’m out we cant speak. And the pain is even worse now and i cant have you to help me through it. blarghsehfl. I know they wouldve said no to hockey, but being left here waiting in suspense having no idea when this game even is or if you’ll even tell me whats up. I think i’ll just sleep, its all i really seem to be good at anymore. I’ve lost hope that i’ll ever really talk to you again. It’s not like they want me going to school until Monday, but i’m just so bored here. With nobody to talk to. Not even my cat spends time with me. Erg. I’ll just eat for the first time in days, get sick and go to bed. Sounds like a plan.

I’m swimming in it. i guess I feel even after everything and all my wants and hopes smashed I’m just drowning in this depressed feeling. My wants just dont even seem attainable anymore. I’m stuck here in some of the worst pain in my life and I truly feel like it’s overlooked. Not that I want attention, thats not even close to what I want, I just want to feel like I’m being cared for once in my life instead of me looking after somebody else. But that won’t happen. I’m asking too much. I just don’t want to wake up anymore. I don’t really want to exist. I can’t shake these feelings of pain, worthlessness and depression. Maybe because I can’t have you, but what the fuck ever. I’m starting to get used to it. Maybe it’s best if I just don’t see you so I won’t be dissappointed with my emotions anymore. Maybe I should just sleep so I stop worrying about if you really want to talk to me or not or how much fucking pain im in. Yeah. Let’s just hope I can stay asleep

and I don’t care how sick I am but I would go to the ends of the Earth to see you. Even if i feel like I’m dying

Do you even really care at all sometimes? I’m sick as all fucking hell and it really doesn’t seem like you care. All this fucking bullshit drama seems far more important than anything to you. It’s fucking ridiculous. I just want to not listen to this shit and talk about simple little idek fucking things. But its always about this stupid shit ass fucking drama. It is not important. Ug. Whatever

I can’t breathe, these meds are supposed to make my stomach hurt, I won’t stop being tired, I’m missing 7th camp this weekend, I’m almost out of high school, I worry for no reason about everything, I’m going to start not seeing John almost ever soon, I wanna do well in track but idk if i will cuz i’ve never run before and ahg. Im really nervous. I wanna be better at everything but idk whats gonna happen atm. Im too sick to think and i’ve been trying to act like I’m not by going to school and tyring to be happy but I feel like im choking every time I breathe and I can’t see straight and I’m so sore that it’s a struggle to move. I need to get better before I can start anew, but I’m worried it’ll take too long for that to happen. Oh jesus :/

And it is amazing

Why do I even bother if i know nobody reads it. And why do these fucking songs keep coming on? I don’t want to think about him right now. And of course two of them he fucking sings to me -___- Ug. I need to stop being mad. Whatever. I can have opinions. I might just shut this blog down